WARNING: What follows is personal, ranty, and at points includes TMI.
I wanted to say something sooner, but didn’t wanna jinx it and decided to wait until I was three months along. Too bad I have no patience.
I’ll be eight weeks tomorrow and I’m scared shitless.
Hubby is ecstatic, our friends and families are squeeing with glee, and I’m petrified.
What if something happens to the fetus? What if it’s not born healthy? What if we can’t provide for it because times are hard and My Love still hasn’t found a job? I know, I should have thought of that sooner, but I was hoping Andrei would have a job by now, and I didn’t know I’d be getting a pay-cut. What if, because of spending on the baby, there comes a time we can’t afford to keep our dogs? I can’t even think of having to give one or both of them away.
Worst of all, what if I people stop seeing me as me, and see me as A Mom instead? I don’t mind being a mom, as long as that’s not what defines me. I hate it that people are already telling me, “Don’t worry about gaining weight. You’ll be a mom soon.” So what? I should let myself go? Won’t I be a woman? A wife? A lover?
I don’t like kids. Never have. Yes, there are a couple whom I adore, and because of them I realize that the reason I don’t like the rest is that their parents have spoiled them. Hopefully, we’ll be able to avoid that, so I’ll like our kid. I know I’ll love it–I’m not heartless–but I keep telling people I doubt I’ll let my entire life focus around it.
But people say, “You say that now. You’ll change, you’ll see.”
NO! I don’t want to change and I won’t change. I owe it to myself and to my husband, damn it, and it’s getting on my nerves that everybody assumes they know me better than I know myself.
Yes, I’m ranty. (TMI WARNING) My hormones are wacky, I haven’t gained more than half a kilo since I found out two weeks ago, but my belly is already bloated, my boobs are huge and hurt, I can’t smell tomato sauce with onions (which I used to love) without my stomach getting upset. I had to quit smoking and drinking coffee, someone’s always telling me not to eat sweets, even though my blood sugar is low, and I’m not allowed to have sex for another month.
WHEN PEOPLE TELL YOU PREGNANCY IS THE HAPPIEST TIME OF A WOMAN’S LIFE, THEY LIE!! It may be worth the outcome–I know it’s definitely not clear by this post, but I want this baby–yet it’s uncomfortable and stressful and messy and sweaty and sleepy–very sleepy.
And you have to have blood tests once a month.
Glad I got that out of my system.
What’s new with you?